Friday, April 29, 2005

My dad and me on my graduation day. Picture taken outside my house before we were leaving for the ceremony. How do my dad look? Still handsome? hahaha..he is eh.. especially with his grey hair..kekekek ;) Posted by Hello

These are my parents. I believe my mom was 15 years old and my dad was 18 years old when they took this picture. Well, that time my mom won MISS PESTA title. not bad huh? Posted by Hello

Well, what u guys think? DO i look like my mom or my dad? haahah.. ..

Typical April (spring)weather.

WHen u see the hahahah meaning i got nothing to blog. It has to be weather then lor. hehehehe
Oh well, last couple weeks it has been great. SUnny and warm weather ..felt like summer, where we had 20 over degrees celcious. People busy staying outside enjoying the weather and bbq-ing.
Infact, customers in my work place behave themselves as well. U see, my work got related with the weather, not to say directly related....but the weather played a major role in my work situation.
When the weather is cold, everyone is grumpy and trying to release their stress on the order taker (which is me) and when the weather is warm and good... they will behave good and if u r lucky they even ask how u doing. hahahaha
that's life huh!

Oh well, lately this week, the weather has back to normal which is the spring wet weather. It's been wet all week and cloudy for the rest of the week.
Work has been busy coz ppl will order more pizza when the weather is bad. hehehe i really dunno why is that. Dun ask me why. :)
Anyway, i am kinda immuned with the situation already although i still feel the phobia of going to work..but once i am there..i am okie.

The crazy weather has affected Ryan's health as well. He started with fever last friday..then monday he catched a cold and developed cough as well. It's been crazzy for me and kit these days. We couldn't sleep at nite coz always kept an eye on Ryan. When he cough .. he tend to vomit everything he ate. Ai ya ya...i have to change the bed sheet 3 times in one day...
somemore i couldn't dry sun to dry it eh.. so i have no choice i have to use dryer.
I dun really like the dryer has one kinda not like fresh anymore.

Sighhhhhhh...they said, when baby sick... u can never rest. U have to watch them 24 hours.
Luckily , he is bit better noww.

Anyway, is friday is not soo bad! Up and down like rollercoaster is better than calm waterr. Coz with the rollercoaster-ing gives u knowledge and wisdom to become more wiser!! :)

Have a great weekend eveyone.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


Hey hey.. its been awhile since i last posted. Oh well, i have been busy as always and Ryan is sick too. :(
Ryan started to get fever last Friday and he was okie on Sunday..butttt after visiting my in laws on Sunday, sighhhhhh..he got sick again. Rite now he is bit better and snoozing away.

Last nite i had this thought of the responsibilities of women...well, u see, when we were first born as female, our role is to be daughter to our parents. Girly like, cute and sweet to everyone. Then when we grow up to abt say maybe 13 to 18 years old, our responsibilities grow..from just being daughter to a good daughter as in have to help mommy to clean, tidy up the house , wash this and that and some have to cook as well. And as soon as we got married, we got new roles, a wife, daughter in-law and sister in law. Oh boyy, more responsibilities added up to the ones we already had. As a wife, u have to take care of ur hubby and home. As a daughter in-law, geeze..this one i couldn't say much.... coz i don't really have any chance to participate this role as in my in-laws never allow me to do it.
So, i really dunno what a daughter in law should do...if u asked me the role of previous time (my mother's time) of daughter in-law role ... i can give u that answer. Easy, just one word.. SLAVE.

Then, when u have children.. u got another new role added up. MOTHER role. Oh boyyyyy, this role is not easy eh. I am still learning and still sometimes wish somebody can be there for me to give me some advice to be a mother.
As a mother, u always put ur children and hubby first and urself last. Maybe that's why God made us the one who can give birth because we are more sensitive.

I am a little bit proud of myself as in I have taken care of Ryan by myself without anyone's help. oh well, not like lotsa women nowadays where they have mother in law or mother to take care of their child while they go to work.
I chose to take care of my own son than letting my mil do it because I feel it is my responsibilities to do it. I am the one who bring him into this world.. i should take care of him.
I forgo my career and dreams for my family. I may felt a little bit regret but i still feel is well worth it.
Least, Ryan is well taken care of. He knows that his mummy is there for him.

Ohh, i shouldn't take alll the credit though... Kit helped alot too. We did it. This is the western culture..not like in Malaysia where usually the MIL will take care or Indonesia maid will.
Hmmmm... i felt like this will affect the child's psychology as in the mother didn't get to bond with the child at all. Those kids speaks good Bahasa and communicates more to the maid than own mother.
I have a friend from China, who migrated to Hamilton 4 years ago. She gave birth to her first daughter when she first came here. She couldn't take care of her daughter due to she wants to continue studies and get a job, therefore she sent her daughter to China to let her mom to take care for 2 years.
Last year she gave birth to second daughter, so she decided to bring back her first daughter. I can see the f irst daughter is very quiet and always in isolation mood when u talk to her...even she didn't really focus on what her mother talks to her.
I felt soo sad for my friend and her daughter. It affected the child soo much.. the abundant and loneliness.

SO, is always worth it if u sacrifice for ur own child. Spend more time with them and shower them all the love u have. :)

Thursday, April 21, 2005

body image

Today we are going to do some brainstorming. Body image, an important issue for all women. It has become a crucial thing for every women nowadays. They are soo concern about how they look and how other people protrays them.

So, let me ask you all people, what is the best body image or rather body figure in this world? Is it the number measurement of 36,24,36 (36 of breast size , 24 inches of waist size and 36 inches of bum size) that determine the most popular and common goal figure of every women? Or the weight that determines the body figure such as 45 kg, or 50 kg or 100 lbs?

To be honest to u, I have this problem since i am young (4 -5 years old). I am always the chubby one. I ate alot and i drank lotsa milk. I am always being teased by friends and relatives calling me the "fat" one, tor pui (fat in hokkien) ah fat , etc etc.
I remembered my brother always teased me saying that i will never get married one, no one will marry you because u r soo fat, Unless u married to "too bak ko" (man selling pork in market)
SO, since i was young, i never behave like a gal, i dressed like a guy, play with guys and talked like guys and i even cut my hair very short.
I have this thought that there is no one will like me as who i am, i better behave like a guy. Least i get some attention.
My sister is the opposite, she is slim, and very umm "siu chia" (lady like) . She even know how to act "politely" by crossing her legs when taking pictures.
I used to envy my sister as whhy she always get soo many attention.
When i grew up ( say abt teenager that time), I started to have feelings for boys, is hard that time.. because i am chubby and no one will like me. I always kept all the ffeelings to myself.
Whereas my sister, walauuuu..u can say lotsa "hor sin" (lalat, flies = boys) aftering her.
SOo, i told myself i will never get married and grow old alone as a spinster. :))
Mana taaauuuu.. (who knowsss) this chubby, tor pui managed to get married and nnow had a son.

Oh well, the bottom line of the story here is, beauty is not based on only the body image or figure.
Love is not only based solely on how u look, they also based on how u behave and how passionate u are.
Kit neverr "hiam" (got any problem) with my weight.. but of coz i have to exercise and loose the weight for the sake of my health.. not for the sake of the beauty!

Women nowadays are very crucial with their image,and how the guys will look at them. Well, if the guy is sincere and true abt you and love u and care abt you, he will and able to see through you.. ur inside and love you from inside out.
THat will be the guy u can spend the rest of ur life with.... coz he managed to see through u inside.

I am not saying that we women should be overweight or no make up or no need wear nice clothings to look good.
Well, i am just saying, we women have curves, shapes and sizes. Is how GOD created us.. different from the men.
Therefore, we dun have to be harsh on ourselves and star trying to celebrate who we are .
Of coz, sometimes we need to pampered ourselves by buy clothings, put make up to look good :)
Just a little bit touch up. ehhee
Eventhough, for those overweight women, dun feel that if u r overweight, u cannot be nice and pretty, there are lotsa clothings outhere suitable for we , full figured women. We still can look good eh.
GOD is always fair..he created us with soo many sizes, colours and shapes. What we have to do is, try to accept and feel good abt what we are .

Models and actresses on tv, they are not real! They look good because everyone wants to see it.
Therefore, dun ever compared to them.
Just believe and feel good abt yourself!!


Tuesday, April 19, 2005

busy weekend

It was a hectic weekend for us.. but we really enjoyed it very much. First of all, Kit don't have to work over time so he came back around 5.30 pm for the whole week last week. Secondly, the weather was superb, we had sunny and was abt 15 degrees celcious. I was able to dried my clothings outside!
of coz Ryan gets to explore outside..hehehehe.. yeaa his first time on the grass but he felt funny for awhile though.

Then came weekend, Kit managed to changed his 4 tires (is time to changed, all 4 of them worn out) so, of coz this Big Baby wanna tried out his new tires on highway. So, he decided to go Big Land Farm (one of the chinese grocery store in Missisauga) to shop for our grocerries. That made me excited coz i get to get out from Hamilton. hehehe.. oh well, is always nice to get out from a small city once in awhile..but i still prefer living in small city, not soo crowded and always peace and quiet.
We shopped alot, not those ordinary stuff we can get it overhere.. we bought lotsa those frozen dumplings, won ton, "kau chi" "siu mai" and paus (steaming bun), and of coz "char siu" ( bbq pork) . Char Siu there very cheap, 3 big pieces only cost us around 4 bucks. IF we buy it here..oh boyyy..cost us a fortune.
Then we bought lotsa goodies like junk food..hehehe not for us..for our neighbour..she loves the crackers. ( once we gave her for Christmas, she loves it very much- she's italian canadian)
We also bought some ingredients for Char Koey Teow.. (famous Penang -fried noodle). Well, not me cook it..hahaha eventhough i am from Penang..but Kit will fried it. Trust me..he fried better koay teow than i do.. hahha pai seh!
We fried it on Sunday morning and gave some to our neighbour (MARA and IAN). They loved it soo much and insisted that we gave her the recipe..hahaha..
Saturday was very tiring for me..coz i gotta work from 5.30pm till 9 pm. boyyyyyyy...not to mentioned Ryan woke up up around 6 am.
His sleep has been going upside down ever since the daylight savings.

Anyway, SUnday morning was lovely dayyyy...we were outside busy cleaning out backyard and planting spring perenial flowers. :)
I love my back yard soo much... furtheremore the previous owner kept the garden soo nice and clean.
I will take some pictures when the flowers started to bloom.. ;)

As we were halfway cleaning the backyard my MIL called asking whether Kit can fetch her to buy something coz FIL working on that day.
So, no choice gotta stopped everything n got changed and headed to MIL place and went to place where she can get her stuff. I worked at 4 pm on that the time she finished shopping, it was already 2.30 pm..Kit suggested that we stayed at MIL place and later he would drop me off at work.
Oh well, at first i don;t feel good but i thought i could bring Ryan over to Nellie's place ( my old neighbour-very nice lady)
so we visited Nellie and sat till 3.45 pm and quickly left for work.
I was really beat that day!

Luckily i was off early coz no business on that day due to many ppl started to BBQ-ing . Nice day maaa.........
so, we stayed over at MIL's place for dinner.. and got back home around 8.30 ppm.
OF coz that nite i fed Ryan, i have learned the strategy, i scoop the rice first before she can do that..hahahahha
and of coz Ryan is always on my side..kekekekek ;)

Pretty much ok ok day , or week i guess. DUnno whatt's for this week..hehehehehe

This is Nellie, she is 74 years old already. SHe used to help me babysit Ryan for me so Kit and I can go out and spend time together. SHe bought lotsa stuff for RYan..and treated Ryan like her own grandson. I love her very much! GOD BLESS HER ALWAYS! Posted by Hello

Thursday, April 14, 2005

two women fighting for lovee...

Is the time again.... where Kit told me we have to go visit his parents on Tuesday nite. It started with my MIL called on Monday nite saying there is a registered mail where we have to go pick it up at the post office. I answered the phone when she called and when i said "hello" , i heard she was kinda shock and hessisated awhile before she continue the conversation. She was surprised that i answered the call...coz normally Kit will answer the call. She dun even know my name that time...coz still in shocked!
I said Helloo, then she said..ahh ahhh...then i said.."ah ma ar, meh si? (in cantonese..meaning mom, what is it?) then she said..arr arrr..gene arr...then continue telling me abt the letter stuff...then i was asking her..whose letter is it? Because my sister in law,bro in law n us lived there could be one of us. So, she said she dunno, then i was like thinking come u dunno...of coz there is a name there on the letter whatttt... then i automatically thought she comesss another trick to trick her son to go visit them..n bring Ryan there of coz!
Sigh....... so i said..okie..hold on forawhile..let me pass it to Kit and u talked to kit..coz during our conversation..she doesn't seems like wanna talk to me.
So, as her wish, i passed the phone to Kit..n all Kit said was : Meh si ar ma?, awee..okieeeee..aweee..tin yat waa lei lor la. ( what is it mom? ..aweee, okie aweee...tommorow i'll c ome over to pick it up). THat was it..i was likee i have to go? hmm..of coz i did not ask Kit rite away..of coz i did not show my face atall.. if not will upset Kit.
I know i know they are Ryan's grandparents too..butttttt heyyyyyyy... i am the one with the phobia for what she has done to me. I admit i need to get rid of those negative feelings..
i really can't help it! GOD HELP ME PLS!

soooo, before i can ask Kit whether we are going tomorrow or he go alone, he told me he will go to his parent's place rite after work. Phewwwwwwwwwww, what a relief.. Ryan and me can stay home and enjoy the peace and comfort in our own place.

SO the next day came, as planned Kit went to pick up the letter, n came back...he was upset and unhappy. So, I asked him why, what happened? He told me, "dad look tired and "chan" eh" then i say why..(my father in law started working at the grape yard..picking the grapes for the vinery process) it was a hard labour kinda thing. The hours is bad, he has to get up around 4 am n start work at 6.30 am then finished at 3 pm. He only gets half an hour lunch..that's it. N they pay him 10 bucks an hour..
he is out under the sun and brutal winchill almost the whole day..n comes back , still have to cook for his wife toeat..which the wife only comes back from work at 6 pm..
so poor old man. he is not used to that kinda life..coz back in Malaysia..he is a boss of a smlla machinery normally he just meet customers n have lunch and dinner. kit was telling his dad stories,,bla bla i just listen then suddenly from his mouth his said..tomorrow (wednesday) we are going to visit them and have dinner there.
opppppppsssssssii! did i heard him wrong?
i was like stung by a bee or something... n felt soooo unhappy..but still my facial reaction was still the same.
"boh huaatt laaa" (cannot help it la) is his parents...pitty him least bring Ryan there can cheer up the old man...
but not the old lady..boh shiok laaa..

anyway, we were there yesterday... and mil wasn't home.. still at work..was back around 6.30 pm
then..we had dinner.. FIL cooked seafood porridge and fried noodles . Ryan doesn't like porridge ...since he was young he doesn't like porridege..he prefer rice..he started to eat rice when he was 11 months. So, i knew ryan wont eat i fedd him earlier at home b4 we go visit. SO Ryan is full..
so mil is not very happy when ryan doesn't want to eat the i told her he doesn;t like porridge...
so she said feed him noodles... oh boyyy poor Ryan is soo full..he doesn't even wanna eat..she just keep insisting to feed ryan..n i told her he is full.
U is the only way she can use to get close to Ryan..other than that..Ryan wont want to go near her..hahahaahha...I dunno why ...
so she wanted to feed ryan with her dirty fingers.. ( she worked in the nursery so her fingers and fingernails are full of the dirt and soil) n she never use the brush to clean ...she just wash her hands with soap as normal.)
soooooooo.....if u r Ryan's mother? would u like to see her fingers into RYan's mouth????
OF COZ NOT!!! everytime i have to remind Kit...her fingers ar...very dirty eh...tell ur mom la..dun wait till i open mymouth...coz if it will be too late and will be too much problems eh

She also tried to annoyed me by trying to carry Ryan n forced Ryan to be in her arms in front of me. SHe knew i dun like it... she purposedly did that..andd...THank God Ryan is on my side...he doesn't want her at all..kept pushing her away...and kept coming back to me..n wants me to carry him..hehehehe
oh boyyyyyy..u should see my MIL's a sour dough eh..hahhaha

It is sooooooooooo funnnyyyy..till now..she still doesn;t give up!

oppsieeeee...cannot contineu the story..coz RYan is up liao...continue tomorrow la...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

this is me..i believe i was just 2-3 years old. yup u can see i am very "tum chiak" good appetite..always eating..till my mom knows how to calm me down whenever i am fussing..just have to give me some food..then i am very happy already. heheeh... hor with this little underwear kinda thing? hahaahah... ;) Posted by Hello

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Why do ppl get married? because they love each other? because they love each other and wanna spend their lives together forever?
Hmm..interesting.. the reason i got married because shhhhhhh..dun tell my hubby ya...
well, our relationship is different.. we met online and we hardly hmm not hardly..we do not have the moments we can have like the usual couples. Sooooo... i would say that my marriage..was a rush in i wanna see him soo much, so i decide to get married and stay here with him.
That time , all we had was emails, phone calls ,and letters. Very challenging and it took lotsa courage for me to decide to come here and get married with my hubby.
That time i was just 24 years old, just finished my degree.. and all i thought was to see Kit and spend the rest of my life witth hiim..(never thought of how difficult married life is) one told me...
never wanna know the difficulties...coz i was just too blinded by the love i have for Kit!

Not to say i regret marrying kit...but..i just felt like we are being put for test of patient and GOD now.
I really love him.. but after Ryan is born, busy with work and other fantasy of love is fading slowly.
It takes lotsa "give and take" situation in marriage.. man and woman are 2 different species... man can never understand the woman and the woman can never understand the man.
But, God has created woman in a speacial way that we are more sensitive and we have the inner intuition kinda thing.
We can sense thing... is kinda like the bug's radar thing. Kit has been very tensed up lately, i have no idea what's going on.
He doesn't want to talk about it... maybe because stress from work, stress from home? financially? tired?
I really dunno... i tried to talk to him yesterday nite.. he told me he is too stressed out from work and tired due to long hours of the work.
Hmmm, i really dunnno... i just felt like is it because he stressed out due to financial issue, we got the financial problem right after we got the house..
sighhhhhh... felt guiltyyy, if we did not purchase this house... we will be staying together with his parents..n i think i will go "koo koo" as in my mil will give me hard time. sucks! Is it like that? i mean all married couple go through this? i really miss my single life at times...where there were no worries and stuff...hehehehe

Oh well, i am just dreaming now, really hope Kit will get better and i really pray for guidance and strength and love in my family!

am i cute or not? Posted by Hello

tadaaaaaa..Ryan is wearing his firs jean jacket and pants. hehehe...  Posted by Hello

Monday, April 04, 2005

still can't let go...

I was soo doomed on Thursday nite last week when Kit told me he wanted to bring Ryan to his parents' place on Friday nite while I went to work. Hmmmmmmmm...first thing hit my brain was *yaiks* the old lady!!! (my mother in law). Oh well, i just don't feel good whenever Ryan is around her.
I don't know why.. maybe because of what she had done to me last time. I've been through alot with her craps last time when Ryan was born. It haunts me till now.. eventhough i don't realize it myself!
I have always tell myself i have forgiven her and pray to God to forgive her..butttttt..deep inside me i couldn't let go. The fear of her taking away Ryan from me..haunts me everytime Ryan is with her.

Is pretty tough for me as in I cannot show my true feelings to Kit as he will feel bad. He is torn between 2. One is his mother and one his wife. Therefore, thursday nite i just cried inside..wishing that Friday will never come.
I couldn't sleep that nite worrying what will happened ? Hmm... i know i need help, some therapy or something... butt..i thought i was okie...i was alrite..i can forget and forgive.
Maybe I am too sensitive..butttt... the fear is wayyyy too much to cover everything.
The reason i behave like this..because when Ryan was born that time.. i wasn't allow to hold him and care for him except for changing his diapers. The only reason i get to change his diapers because my mil doesn't know how to change it. (last time they use cloth diapers and never use pampers or huggies before)
If she knw how to change...chia lat laaa.... i dun even have a chance to hold my own baby :(
I went through depression and loose weight..and thought of killing myself!
No one supports me except for my Toronto smom (dad's gf)
Kit couldn't do anything as he is afraid to go against his parents.
I went through hard time for more than 7 monthss till they decided to go b ack to malaysia!
Our marriage was affected that time.... Kit was upset and confused.
I was almost ready to file for divorce too eh....but whenever I look at Ryan...he gave me comfort and love.
Months and months gone by, Kit has finally realised that his parents were wrong and finally decide to tell them we will move out. When Kit told them that what they had done... of course they denied and blame everything on me. They even told kit that I am bossy and dominaring..n he is stupid to listen to me.
What i did wrong?????
to have our own place to stay, to take care my own baby and didn't even ask a penny from them to buy house? was it soo wrong to do that???
I do not understand at all... she wants to control Kit and always want to tie Kit to her apron strings..
They went mad and said lotsa bad stuff to Kit. For the first time... Kit ever go against in didn't follow what they want Kit to do.
I felt bad for Kit and his sibblings..coz all these yearsss... they have no guts to say NO to their parents..even though they dun agree to what their parents say. All they do is just nod to whatever they want them to do.
Kit's parents used money to tied them throwing money to elder sister to buy a $270k double storey detached house.. and as for the elder son in malaysia...bought hiim apartment, house..etc..and as for the youngest son? already bought a new car for him..20k eh.. toyota matrix.
so in return...the kids felt guilty and will always listen to them.

I told Kit never to ask money from them eh.. u will end up in their trap. THat's why they hate me soo much!!
They always underestimate me that i cannot raise Ryan and work at the same time.
HELOO!! i am raising RYAN very well now eh..he is healthy, happy and cute.
n i am helping kit with the bills too.. soooooooooo.. what else do they want??

sighhhhhhhhh..i really dun understand....i guess i will not.... i just hope God will forgive me and them..forgive me as in i cannot forget abt the pass and forgive them for what they have done and they are doing.