still can't let go...

I was soo doomed on Thursday nite last week when Kit told me he wanted to bring Ryan to his parents' place on Friday nite while I went to work. Hmmmmmmmm...first thing hit my brain was *yaiks* the old lady!!! (my mother in law). Oh well, i just don't feel good whenever Ryan is around her.
I don't know why.. maybe because of what she had done to me last time. I've been through alot with her craps last time when Ryan was born. It haunts me till now.. eventhough i don't realize it myself!
I have always tell myself i have forgiven her and pray to God to forgive her..butttttt..deep inside me i couldn't let go. The fear of her taking away Ryan from me..haunts me everytime Ryan is with her.

Is pretty tough for me as in I cannot show my true feelings to Kit as he will feel bad. He is torn between 2. One is his mother and one his wife. Therefore, thursday nite i just cried inside..wishing that Friday will never come.
I couldn't sleep that nite worrying what will happened ? Hmm... i know i need help, some therapy or something... butt..i thought i was okie...i was alrite..i can forget and forgive.
Maybe I am too sensitive..butttt... the fear is wayyyy too much to cover everything.
The reason i behave like this..because when Ryan was born that time.. i wasn't allow to hold him and care for him except for changing his diapers. The only reason i get to change his diapers because my mil doesn't know how to change it. (last time they use cloth diapers and never use pampers or huggies before)
If she knw how to change...chia lat laaa.... i dun even have a chance to hold my own baby :(
I went through depression and loose weight..and thought of killing myself!
No one supports me except for my Toronto smom (dad's gf)
Kit couldn't do anything as he is afraid to go against his parents.
I went through hard time for more than 7 monthss till they decided to go b ack to malaysia!
Our marriage was affected that time.... Kit was upset and confused.
I was almost ready to file for divorce too eh....but whenever I look at Ryan...he gave me comfort and love.
Months and months gone by, Kit has finally realised that his parents were wrong and finally decide to tell them we will move out. When Kit told them that what they had done... of course they denied and blame everything on me. They even told kit that I am bossy and dominaring..n he is stupid to listen to me.
What i did wrong?????
to have our own place to stay, to take care my own baby and didn't even ask a penny from them to buy house? was it soo wrong to do that???
I do not understand at all... she wants to control Kit and always want to tie Kit to her apron strings..
They went mad and said lotsa bad stuff to Kit. For the first time... Kit ever go against them..as in didn't follow what they want Kit to do.
I felt bad for Kit and his sibblings..coz all these yearsss... they have no guts to say NO to their parents..even though they dun agree to what their parents say. All they do is just nod to whatever they want them to do.
Kit's parents used money to tied them down...like throwing money to elder sister to buy a $270k double storey detached house.. and as for the elder son in malaysia...bought hiim apartment, house..etc..and as for the youngest son? already bought a new car for him..20k eh.. toyota matrix.
so in return...the kids felt guilty and will always listen to them.

I told Kit never to ask money from them eh.. u will end up in their trap. THat's why they hate me soo much!!
They always underestimate me that i cannot raise Ryan and work at the same time.
HELOO!! i am raising RYAN very well now eh..he is healthy, happy and cute.
n i am helping kit with the bills too.. soooooooooo.. what else do they want??

sighhhhhhhhh..i really dun understand....i guess i will not.... i just hope God will forgive me and them..forgive me as in i cannot forget abt the pass and forgive them for what they have done and they are doing.